Today is a rough day.
I know we've had some pretty darned amazing things happen to us recently and I truly am grateful for these blessings. I have not forgotten them either. Today just sucks.
Leslie started losing her hair this morning and it came out in larger and larger quantities as the day progressed. Good thing she had it cut short before today. Even though we knew it was coming and we laughed and joked about it before hand, it is a pretty horrible thing to experience. Leslie started out by running her fingers through it and showing me that 10 or more hairs were coming out pretty easily. Later tonight she was reaching up and pulling at it, surprisingly gently, and having a tuft of hair in her hand (See first photo, she just kept sliding her hand through her hair and got this big ol' ball o' hair. Fun, huh?). Even though we never actually got to a bald spot we decided it would be a good time to go ahead and shave it down to the nubs. Since Jared had a difficult time when Leslie got it cut from long to short we decided that we'd better be pro-active and let him be a part of the barbering. We dug out the electric shears and plopped her in the middle of the kitchen. With Jared standing by we started out at the back and worked toward the front, buzzing along and taking her hair into a style that any U.S. Marine would be proud of. Hoorah, Mommy is a fighting cancer and has the right hair style to get the job done. Jared couldn't care less. He was off to play with Pizza Elmo, he didn't care about Mommy getting a hair cut at all. Sure worked out well to be pro-active, huh?
We got done and Leslie went downstairs to shower. It had to feel good to get all of that hair off. I let Jared go play for a bit and it finally hit me. This is real, it's scary and it is absolutely NO fun at all. I sat on the couch and cried. My wife was losing her hair and it hurt her. She has cancer and is scared and she isn't herself and she doesn't have any strength for 4 days after chemo and this sucks. It really sucks a lot. I sat there on the couch and cried like a baby. I cussed God, I felt helpless and I felt sick to my stomach for not being able to do anything to help the woman that I love. And I cried some more. Jared came back in and I told him that Daddy had sneezed and needed to wipe his eyes and his nose. I know, it's not the truth but do you really think a 3 year old needs to understand cancer, pain and all of this? I didn't think so. It felt good to cry but it hurt again when I felt I had to lie to Jared. Damned spiral of joy, huh?
I have been trying very hard lately to strengthen my relationship with God but I still feel betrayed by Him. I know that I'm wrong, I understand that, but I haven't gotten over the hump yet. Thankfully God is above me in the forgiveness chain, I'd be in far worse shape without Him. I'll get there, don't worry, but it's taking some time. I'm sure I'll come out at the end of this with a far greater relationship so I guess it's another one of those things that I can't understand but I'll appreciate later. Getting kind of tired of learning things this way. I'm thinking that a map might be easier but I don't think that will happen. Guess we'll all have to take some wrong turns along the way in order to find our way home.
The chemo started to take its toll tonight too. Leslie is feeling pretty tired and pretty weak after her shower. It's time for bed so I hope that tomorrow is a much better day. It'll be day 3 after chemo, probably gonna be a crappy cancer day but at least I've got a family that I love to take care of.
I know we've had some pretty darned amazing things happen to us recently and I truly am grateful for these blessings. I have not forgotten them either. Today just sucks.
Leslie started losing her hair this morning and it came out in larger and larger quantities as the day progressed. Good thing she had it cut short before today. Even though we knew it was coming and we laughed and joked about it before hand, it is a pretty horrible thing to experience. Leslie started out by running her fingers through it and showing me that 10 or more hairs were coming out pretty easily. Later tonight she was reaching up and pulling at it, surprisingly gently, and having a tuft of hair in her hand (See first photo, she just kept sliding her hand through her hair and got this big ol' ball o' hair. Fun, huh?). Even though we never actually got to a bald spot we decided it would be a good time to go ahead and shave it down to the nubs. Since Jared had a difficult time when Leslie got it cut from long to short we decided that we'd better be pro-active and let him be a part of the barbering. We dug out the electric shears and plopped her in the middle of the kitchen. With Jared standing by we started out at the back and worked toward the front, buzzing along and taking her hair into a style that any U.S. Marine would be proud of. Hoorah, Mommy is a fighting cancer and has the right hair style to get the job done. Jared couldn't care less. He was off to play with Pizza Elmo, he didn't care about Mommy getting a hair cut at all. Sure worked out well to be pro-active, huh?
We got done and Leslie went downstairs to shower. It had to feel good to get all of that hair off. I let Jared go play for a bit and it finally hit me. This is real, it's scary and it is absolutely NO fun at all. I sat on the couch and cried. My wife was losing her hair and it hurt her. She has cancer and is scared and she isn't herself and she doesn't have any strength for 4 days after chemo and this sucks. It really sucks a lot. I sat there on the couch and cried like a baby. I cussed God, I felt helpless and I felt sick to my stomach for not being able to do anything to help the woman that I love. And I cried some more. Jared came back in and I told him that Daddy had sneezed and needed to wipe his eyes and his nose. I know, it's not the truth but do you really think a 3 year old needs to understand cancer, pain and all of this? I didn't think so. It felt good to cry but it hurt again when I felt I had to lie to Jared. Damned spiral of joy, huh?
I have been trying very hard lately to strengthen my relationship with God but I still feel betrayed by Him. I know that I'm wrong, I understand that, but I haven't gotten over the hump yet. Thankfully God is above me in the forgiveness chain, I'd be in far worse shape without Him. I'll get there, don't worry, but it's taking some time. I'm sure I'll come out at the end of this with a far greater relationship so I guess it's another one of those things that I can't understand but I'll appreciate later. Getting kind of tired of learning things this way. I'm thinking that a map might be easier but I don't think that will happen. Guess we'll all have to take some wrong turns along the way in order to find our way home.
The chemo started to take its toll tonight too. Leslie is feeling pretty tired and pretty weak after her shower. It's time for bed so I hope that tomorrow is a much better day. It'll be day 3 after chemo, probably gonna be a crappy cancer day but at least I've got a family that I love to take care of.
1 comment:
Faith is so hard. Especially when your facing disaster. I've known you guys for a very long time so I feel like I need to see if I can help you out. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS. Focus on what you have. Focus on the good and the happy. Focus on Jared (I know he's got a few smiles in him), focus on the fact that he's not feeling any of the pain and anguish of this and thank God for that. Focus on everything that is good and positive in your life. And please please stay positive. Negativity and stress breed like rabbits so why not start breeding "Happy Thoughts". You guys know our history, therefore I get to help you all out for a change. I honestly believe that there is nothing but good memories in the past. If you only think of those good memories and let the rest of it fly out the window and only focus on the future you'll feel a lot better. It's what got me through our spots and it feels good to think positive. We love you guys and know that this is just another bump in the long road of life. We all have to manuver around our particular bumps and there is so much happy and good things that lie ahead. Stay strong, be happy, and keep your faith. You'll make it and look back and laugh in the face of cancer! Love you so much. Diane
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